Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i want to swaddle you in tequila
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
