It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
