i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
