well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
