I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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