How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
