I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
