Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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