Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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