So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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