addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My vagina is very pro this idea
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
