I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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