he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
