found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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