yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
