I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm too high and old for this...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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