im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
they need to just BURY HIM!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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