Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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