so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
