pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
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