I'm going to jail i love you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
