that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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