Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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