If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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