i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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