Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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