The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
