i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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