wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
