currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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