I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
