Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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