In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
