Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
