Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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