Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
