I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
