i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
