fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
