i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize