apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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