shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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