Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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