Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
there is glitter all over my balls
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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