so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
