did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
