I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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