Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
