thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
This is the prime rib incident all over again
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
