It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
