I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
