guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
