Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
