Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
