glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
