Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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