so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
